The journey of finding hope in times of crisis

I guess the seed of this post came from my wife, after holding space for me to confront my sadness of being trapped in this reality of self isolation. And how it felt going about my days really numb and disconnected to the reality of the world today. It is through this repeated cycle that I knew, I needed another way of processing this raw sense of loss. So this post will mostly be for myself, a long ramble to hold space and find clarity for what I am experiencing in this time. And hopefully to share with my loved ones, a more coherent understanding of how I am processing this Covid period.

It is really new for me, to find myself avoiding so obsessively, the process of going into the emotions of living in this Covid lock down. To find all the nuanced ways I habitually make excuses to avoid sitting in this space of my feelings. Experiencing these cravings to distract myself with endless cycles of videos and games, and just running from this fear of stillness and the slow creep of grief.

I think for me it is essentially about the struggle in confronting the loss of hope.

Sometimes I just get so frustrated at myself, that I’m living in this irrational bubble of loss. Creating these boundless doomsday stories that paralyse me from finding a new outlook of my current life.

Sometimes I am so astounded by the dysfunction I feel. Coming from being a high functioning member of society, fitting in with the social dimensions of the time, and being excited about finding my purpose in the world. To today, which is a bleak space of feeling stuck with my confused emotions.

And I think what is really hard, is also to see the progress of my friends and family around me, embracing this new reality with such vigor. Appreciating the freedom of time it has given them to pause and reevaluate what is important to life. And I guess it is really difficult, just feeling so left behind, and alone. In how much loss I feel about the connections that made me feel human and my unyielding rejection of this new reality.

I think its important for me to find language for what I feel has changed, and why I am so against this perceived reality. Starting with the context of the life pre-Covid, to help me understand what I miss.

Really clearly, I would label myself as a social creature; one that thrives on interactions with communities and people. I relish the opportunities to find connection with others, to get a glimpse of their stories, to hold space for their pains and passion, and to find myself in their hopes and fears. I still struggle to find words for the meanings of these interactions, but to me it feels like how Suzanne Stabile phrases it “when our essence meets each other”, that’s when I feel truly alive and grateful for the experience of another. And even in just experiencing life, of enjoying the vibrancy of the city, taking in all the energy and vigor from the multitude of dreams and aspirations; to glimpsing the slower intimate moments of families and communities, forming new memories and experiences with one another. I do miss these experiences and the concept that these would go on for all of eternity.

I guess this context of the world is at odds with the reality that I live now. Being in a mandatory stay at home environment for the last 3 months, with the brief localised outings for food and grocery, and the occasional bike ride around, I barely have had any conversation with another person outside my house. And I don’t mean to disregard and sound ungrateful for my privilege of being able to work from home and having the health and safety of my loved ones. But I do also want to acknowledge the real experience of loss that I am going through. To experience my days going by in a slow dragged blur of time; spanning the extremes of low energy slumps to the intense desire to escape and keep my mind actively distracted. I just don’t know who I am right now, feeling like I am just a mere shadow of myself.

It is sobering to really do a piece just for myself, and to hold that space to connect internally. All my other pieces on this Medium profile has the underlying intention of bringing to bear a message and an opinion for others to witness. And it is also surprising to find myself trying to self filter the rawness of my feelings so that it can be more sanitised and bearable for the public. It is humbling to find this clarity and honesty for myself, that need not worry about what others perceive of me; but this is also a whole other body of work that can be delved into another time.

Hope has always been such a loaded word for me, to be able to coherently take in all the awareness of what is wrong with this great complex world of humanity; while still holding on to this tiny flicker of aspiration that things will be better as long as we try. This Covid reality has given me a new trial on my relationship with “hope” and how I see that in the life moving forward. I can’t say this concludes with a revolutionary shift in my optimism for the future, but it has given me a step in embracing what is going on inside for me.