I started the Enneagram journey with quite a sceptical lens, being mindful of yet another personality test trying to box and categorise people into one dimensional formats, taking away our stories and lived experience. I guess it is such a human concept for us to simplify the complexity of others into neat boxes. But I guess what stood out for me in the Enneagram, was the main highlight of giving language to and categorising our underlying motivations in life. A big part of the Enneagram are our passions and on the flip side our vices, and why we go into the same patterns throughout our lives. This framework expands into the multiple dimensions of our personalities, our habits, our social patterns and how we respond to stress and safety in different scenarios. And the more time I spent with the Enneagram peeling back its layers, the more I understood how it highlights our polarities in life, of how our strengths just as easily turn into weakness when it begins to control us, and many of the frameworks learnt have become a lens for me to learn about myself rather than on others.
The Enneagram journey for me gave me a new lens on how others might see the world, and also gave me a new awareness on myself and my patterns of why I do what I do. Looking back there was this mode of resentment towards others, with the narrative of, “if everyone else saw what I did and how much pain is going around, why doesn’t anyone else care?”. When the reality was that they did not see the same things, and had a lot more perspectives to offer me and my world view. The hope is to be more aware of my patterns and blind spots so that I build more intention in my life. This piece of writing hopes to help me unpack my experience of life as a 2 and the patterns, behaviours and thought process that has ran the narrative of my identity.
What is the Enneagram?
There is a wealth of information and knowledge online about the Enneagram, and I don’t hope to replicate what these Enneagram teachers have produced. I am including a few links that have helped me understand this framework.
- The Enneagram Institute — https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/
- Beatrice Chestnut — https://beatricechestnut.com/the-enneagram/
- The Enneagram Journey — https://www.theenneagramjourney.org/
“This self-observation creates a separation between your patterns and your consciousness so that you can watch automatic thoughts, feelings, and actions unfold without “being one” with them or judging them (or yourself) as good or bad. You need this separation to have the mental space to detach from these habits of mind — to let them go and make other choices more consciously.” ― Beatrice Chestnut
Type 2s are known as The Helpers
- Social Stance — Twos come from the Dependent Social Stance. Which means we figure out where we are in social situations based on the reactions people give us. Our attention most of the time in social settings is focused on feelings, and about how we respond in relation to others.
- Intelligence Centre — Twos come from the Heart Intelligence Centre. Which makes them empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing.
I think for me the truest form of this experience is in the difference between me being alone, versus when someone else enters the same space as me. When I am alone I am tuned in to myself and in touch of my needs, but when there is another person that comes into the space, my attention and awareness automatically goes to them and is honed in on their needs. How I experience who I am as a person is always relational, as I can only figure out who I am and how “well” I am doing based on the reaction people give me. With this “gift” type 2s can be the best at satisfying the needs of others, as sometimes they know their needs better than themselves. This leads to a strong narrative of people pleasing as a pattern throughout my life.
The shadow side to this lifestyle was the awareness of how out of touch I was with myself, and how I was always putting my needs last. This leads to a pattern of burn out and resentment, as we lack self care and return feeling empty and taken for granted. I think the biggest struggle for me was to feel was how unfair it felt, to be so hard wired to tune into others and out of touch with myself, that by default I kept chasing to experience life through others. The space of growth here for me is on building better boundaries and finding time to build my relationship with self. The practice for me is to learn to be alone, and to learn more about who I am away from others, and this is a pretty terrifying way of life in the beginning. The hope is to live a life where I can be in the presence of others while still tuned in to myself.
- Key Motivations — The need to be needed by others
The two overlapping dimensions above both supports and is fuelled by this key motivation. Which in a sense is why we have such outward focused antenna. As for me a lot of times there is this narrative in life of servitude, but unpacking that a bit further, the key to it all was the honest truth of “if I help you, you will want me and need me, and I will not need to be alone again”. There has always been such a huge need and search for external love and affirmation from my communities, family and my partners. And in zooming out, it has given me the understanding of why I do what I do, and sometimes it can be for the wrong reasons. The work here is on finding the clarity between “am I doing this for them?”, or “am I doing this so that they will need me?”, and sometimes it may not be mutually exclusive.
- Ego — The main ego that the Type 2 struggles with is Pride.
To me this Ego shows up in 2 distinct forms. Firstly it comes up when we always think that we know best about what others need. We are so in-tuned with other peoples emotions and thoughts that we end up imposing our need to serve them and crossing all sorts of boundaries in relationships. We can be the best givers in relationships, but we can also stifle their personal growth and impose on them when they might not be ready for it yet.
The second form of Ego was really elusive for me until very recently, and it is the acceptance that I have needs as well. But the typical script in my mind is “of course I can put my needs before others, I am born to serve, and my needs will come secondary”. But in that narrative the elusive part is how the 2s have a deep shame in acknowledging our needs. And the more I deny it and refuse to even listen to my needs, it comes out later on, as I turn very resentful and feel like all my giving was taken for granted. And recently I see it show up in my relationship with my wife, in one of our very rare arguments, we end up going in circles of blame, but the main topic that I will not allow myself to say or approach is to just tell her: “I feel hurt as I don’t feel cared for and I feel neglected in this period of time”. To me the mantra offered by Suzanne Stabile for 2s on the ego is
“I am allowed to offer to myself the same care and compassion that I give to others, for I too have needs that must be met”.
- Conclusions
I think the Enneagram journey was a rewarding one for me, in shedding light to very new perspectives of my life and others. I am impressed by how multifaceted the Enneagram is, as the perspectives above cover only a sliver of what the Enneagram has to offer. Of course this does not make it the answer to everything, and this awareness is just the start of the journey towards growth. I think the the biggest change I have seen for myself, is how the Enneagram offers me the awareness and choice in my behaviour. This shows up in the everyday act of catching myself when I enter into my unhealthy patterns. And to be able to just pause and making a more mindful decision rather than repeating my same old patterns. Where I hope to one day reach is to embody a shift in my identity:
“From finding home in others, To finding home in myself”
